Your hangover is a worthy foe. You’re not face-to-face with this challenger because you didn’t go out; you’re dealing with Johnny Hangover because you had a great night. At least for part of it.
Experts say that a hangover is the effect of experiencing addiction, withdrawal and recovery in a short period of time—just like Lindsay Lohan!—but what you really want to know is what experts say about feeling better faster. In this case, I’m your expert.
The night before: eat something. Obviously, right? But there are people out there who don’t eat before they go out. Also, drink water throughout the night. Georgetown University and responsible people everywhere approve the previous paragraph.
The morning after: get up before you normally would, take some aspirin, a multi-vitamin and drink as much water as you can hold, then go back to sleep. Getting up will be hell, but it pays off when you have to be awake later.
Once you’re awake: I have two words for you—Bloody Mary. This hair of the dog concoction properly consists of a shot or so of vodka, a half-cup of snappy tom tomato juice, heaping helpings of horseradish, Tabasco, Worcestershire sauce, a celery stick and a lemon wedge. It’s the ultimate restorative. Mimosas (orange juice and champagne) are simpler, and maybe classier, but they lack the smoothie-texture of a good Bloody Mary. Plus, I can tell you for a fact that Wisey’s will not sell you champagne before noon.
From here on, you have to depend on coffee and Gatorade—one of the few drinks that actually tastes salty—to get you through your day.
Eating: there’s disagreement on this. I know folks who can’t even look at food the next day, but I’m a strong proponent of eating a large, greasy if possible, breakfast. Maybe you’ll feel nauseated at first, but once you start digesting you’ll be much better off.
Myth: there’s not much behind “beer before liquor, never been sicker,” despite its clever rhyme pattern. It really just comes down to how much and how fast you drink, though distilled liquors—vodka and gin—have fewer additives that might screw with your body.
The traditional way to wrap up one of these is to remind readers that the only sure-fire cure for a hangover is moderation. Let me deviate from the norm and remind readers that there is no sure-fire cure for moderation.
Got a good hangover cure? E-mail tfernholz@gmail.com.
