Liver damage. Needles. Testicular atrophy. There are a lot of downsides to anabolic steroid use. A friend recently suggested to me, however, that the only way an athlete can accomplish anything noteworthy anymore is to get ‘roided up. Old-fashioned as it may seem, I maintain a strictly anti-steroids stance, fighting against the bastardization of athletic pursuits and impotence.
To the point that steroids are the final frontier in the pursuit of sporting excellence, I say au contraire. Everything an athlete needs to succeed on the pitch, gridiron or diamond he can find in his mother—Mother Nature that is. The Greeks knew her as Gaia, the fountain from which all living things sprung and mother of the mighty Titans (see Tennessee football team and 2001 film classic starring Denzel Washington).
Athletes have used the fruits of the earth and natural phenomena for centuries as ways to improve performance. The Greeks oiled their bodies with olive oil before competitions in order to appear more pleasing to the gods and to garner good luck. Olive oil continues to hold an important place for athletes. Arthur Lydiard, renowned running coach and trainer, advises marathoners to rub olive oil under the arms and crotch before the big race to prevent chafing. Duly noted, Art.
This very month, baseball fans may have the opportunity to witness a battle of dueling natural wonders if the Cleveland Indians and the Colorado Rockies go head-to-head in the World Series. During the ALDS, ferocious swarms of Lake Erie gnats (known as midges) swarmed the Yankee pitching staff, rattling New York hurler Joba Chamberlain while Cleveland ace Fausto Carmona remained calm as a Lithium-ed housewife. Coincidence? I think not. While the Tribe may have the midges on their side, the Rockies high-altitude ballpark is a constant advantage, facilitating homers for the team and proving that Mother Nature may just have a soft spot for Denver baseball.
Of course, the high altitude advantage is nothing special to Rocky Mountain ballplayers. Kenyan runners are famous for their fleet feet and efficient lungs, courtesy of the thin air that 3?4 of the country’s population breathes while living 5,000 feet above sea level. Athletes training in such conditions develop powerful hearts and lungs to make up for the lack of oxygen. Former Ohio State wide receiver Anthony Gonzalez, in an attempt to recreate the high-altitude conditions enjoyed by Kenyan athletes, slept, did homework and played Xbox in a special oxygen tent. No word on tent procedure in the case of female company.
Sometimes, of course, Mother Nature needs a little help from human hands, an art form perfected by former White Sox groundskeeper Gene Bossard. Bossard was known to soak Comiskey Park’s infield to make it friendlier to the throws of the Sox’s sinkerball pitchers and he sometimes took it upon himself to lasso Nature’s powers of humidity in order to make baseballs heavier for opposing pitchers. Hockey fans at my high school had a similar hands-on approach to helping out the home team in mind when they hurled mackrel and other fruits of the sea onto the ice during games against our biggest rival.
Through flora, fauna, fish, oil or air, nature has a way of looking out for sporting types. When all else fails, weary athlete and fan alike may take solace in the bosom of Mother Nature’s bounty; her finest elixir of hops and barley is purveyed in ballparks and stadiums across the globe.
