Paine brings the pleasure: straight to your G-spot

Sick of reading Thomas Paine’s seminal pamphlet Common Sense? If so, you’re in luck, because apparently Mr. Paine spent the last 232 years getting his M.D. and researching the art of sex whispering in order to spice up his less-than-titillating portfolio. His new book, How to Treat a Woman: The Art and Science of Sex Whispering, may not be the indisputable classic that Common Sense was, but at least it’s really, really hilarious.

Take, for example, Dr. Paine’s suggestion that “there is much more to the clitoris than meets the eye.” After checking out his vagina diagrams, which resemble, in turn, the Predator, an evil lobster, and one of those hands-free earpieces for mobile phones, I’m inclined to agree. The clitoris, in fact, resembles a little penis, but only the tip of it is externally visible. Keep that in mind, gentlemen, the next time you’re going down on a girl, looking for the clit, trying to get her off. You’re really just licking a miniature penis. Tasty.

After citing Mark Twain—apparently navigating the art of cunnilingus is just like navigating a river on a riverboat—Paine proceeds to present the seven pillars of sex whispering. According to the accredited doctor, these are absolutely essential for giving your partner an orgasm. My favorite (in case you were wondering) is Pillar IV, the clitoris-urethra-vagina tissue complex. This complex, Paine writes, was recently rediscovered by Dr. Helen O’Connell after being lost for centuries. Apparently, between the time of prehistoric man and O’Connell’s 1998 report on the complex, no woman was able to achieve an orgasm. Bummer.

Paine uses the book’s second half to address topical concerns in the United States today, including abstinence-only education, STDs, and teen pregnancy. He addresses the issue of teenage pregnancy at length, ruminating on all the failures in the United States to mitigate the problem. Here’s a suggestion: print the vagina diagrams on huge posters and force 15-year-old dudes to stare at them. I promise you, they won’t be clambering for coitus anytime soon.

Of course, if you have any sexual prowess at all, this book is a joke. Really, Thomas Paine could have recycled the title of his pamphlet, because this is all common sense—at least to those adept between the sheets. While you might not know all these intricate systems or use medical vocabulary words to describe something so natural, primitive, and wonderful as sex, you don’t need to. That’s because bumping uglies is pretty simple business; the only way to get better is to actually pay attention to your woman while you grind away.

Note: Thomas Paine, M.D., is not actually the same man as Thomas Paine, American revolutionary.