There are plenty of places most college students would rather be than in a movie theater filled with screaming, pre-teen girls—such as the ninth circle of Hell. If you have masochistic tendencies, however, consider yourself in luck. Hannah Montana: The Movie, directed by Peter Chelsom, is playing in theaters nationwide to fulfill your pre-packaged, Disney-endorsed child star needs—because honestly, life’s been a drag since Lizzie McGuire and Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century got pulled off the air.
Based on the Disney Channel television show that millions watch religiously, Hannah Montana: The Movie investigates the deeply-rooted psychological problems of Miley Cyrus and her celebrity alter ego, Hannah Montana (with singing and choreographed dancing to boot). After Miley blows off her brother Jackson (Jason Earles) and father Billy Ray to feud with a certain host of America’s Next Top Model over a pair of shoes, Billy Ray puts an end to his daughter’s diva attitude by taking the Cyrus family back home to Crowley Corners, Tennessee. Chicken coopin’, banjo pluckin’ hilarity ensues when Miley is forced to get back in touch with the country life she abandoned for the glitz and glamour of L.A., where she re-invented herself as the global pop sensation, Hannah Montana.
Plot devices abound in the forms of Travis Brody (Lucas Till)—a local farmhand whose boyhood crush on Miley creates a palpable sexual tension between the characters that screams, “I promised Billy Ray I wouldn’t do it until I’m married!”—and the proposed construction of the Crowley Corners Shopping Mall on farmland inherited by the town. The citizens of Crowley Corners must raise enough money to pay the property taxes on the land, or else Hot Topic, Panda Express, and cell phone kiosks will invade their rural town.
The sheer absurdity of the conflict raises a few questions. Why doesn’t the Cyrus family reach into their exceptionally deep pockets and pay the property taxes themselves? Is the audience to believe that Miley Cyrus can’t make a profit from Hannah Montana concerts? Either Billy Ray is infamously cheap, or he took investment advice from Bernie Madoff. Financial status aside, Miley ends up torn between her life as a country girl and Hannah’s life as an international superstar.
The songs sprinkled throughout the film are as infectious as an airborne disease; like it or not, you’ll end up humming the beat to “Let’s Get Crazy” as you walk out of the theater, as you sit in class, and as you shower in the men’s locker-room—unfortunately, I know first-hand. If you don’t understand the cult of Miley, avoid Hannah Montana: The Movie. Most will feel like unwanted outsiders watching it; parents and children alike are understandably confused and worried when college students choose Miley Cyrus over age-appropriate films.
On the bright side, Miley Cyrus’ inevitable meltdown won’t happen at least until she’s legal. Here’s to two years from now.
