They wink at you every time you open your underwear drawer—that pair of fishnets that only gets taken out for a spin every late October. They’re aching to be worn, you’re aching to wear them, and Halloween is only a little over a week away! What to be this year? Sexy civil servant? Foxy bunny?
Wrong.
Ladies, if you want to dress like a skank, dress like a skank. It’s almost 2010, and you’re free to re-liberate yourself by getting all objectified any day of the week—no need to wait around until October 31st every year. There is a flipside to the slutty costume coin, and the heads to that tails is ugly. Ugly is in.
Cross-dressing is bound to be unflattering for both sexes, but chicks have the added benefit of warmth when they dress like dudes. Andy Rooney’s bushy eyebrows or Larry King’s suspenders are going to keep you way cozier than those tiny referee bootie shorts. Animals are also a good idea if you don’t want to freeze while waiting in line for a beer, since Georgetown party hosts refuse to lose faith in D.C.’s Indian summers. Throw on a gray or brown sweatsuit (everyone has one lying around, right?), fashion yourself some cardboard ears and mascara whiskers and you’re set. No need to specify what kind of animal you are.
The pages of history are rife with awesome costume ideas, thanks in large part to all the interesting facial hair possibilities they offer. General Ambrose Burnside’s muttonchops alone are costume enough, as is Frida Kahlo’s magnificent unibrow. And if you feel like you really can’t let Halloween pass without getting your freak on, Babe-raham Lincoln’s full beard and top hat paired with yes, fishnets of some sort, are an acceptable compromise.
