Piranha 3D does not suck, and that is already a lot more than most people would ask of it. Of course, as a remake of a ‘70s horror comedy, Piranha 3D lacks any real plot or character development, opting instead to spend 89 minutes reveling in delightfully graphic carnage and terrifyingly large breasts, all presented in gloriously tacky 3D. But it works. This is not a film that is simply “so bad its good.” That implies that something went wrong. This is exactly the kind of schlock that director Alexandre Aja set out to make, and it’s a hell of a lot of fun.
You know the drill. It’s spring break, and thousands of college kids have descended on the resort town of Lake Victoria, Arizona to be dumb and drunk and hot and horny. If there was ever a group that deserved a bit of piranha justice, it’s these kids. Fortunately for us, a geological shift has opened up a long-sealed cave full of vicious prehistoric piranhas in that very lake. Who woulda guessed? Oh right, everyone.
Jaws, the original summer blockbuster that inspired the 1978 Piranha, which in turn inspired Piranha 3D, was famous for its restraint. It built tremendous tension by withholding the shark, offering only glimpses until the big payoff in the film’s final act. It was a risky directorial decision that differentiated the film from earlier horror movies and went on to set the standard for decades to come. In a similarly bold artistic choice, Aja chooses to show the piranhas at every opportunity. Piranhas lurk in the background. Cameras linger on piranha jaws. Schools of piranhas devour bathers. If there isn’t a piranha in the shot, it’s probably a one of the film’s many piranha-eye-view shots. The only real exception to this rule is when there are boobs on the screen. They, too, are given ample screen time.
These are the stars of the film, piranhas and breasts. The plot itself quickly becomes irrelevant. There was something about a porno shoot and an incredibly wooden teen who was apparently the hero of this movie. There were cops, too. Whatever.
This may not be the most resonding endorsement of the merits of Piranha 3D, but it is an endorsement nonetheless. The sensationalized gore and the hyperbolic depictions of youthful revelry are all plainly tongue-in-cheek, all playing to fans of classic B-movies. It’s not unlike last summer’s Drag Me to Hell—a big(ish) budget blockbuster with indie horror sensibilities. That the supporting cast consists largely of comedic actors (Paul Scheer, Adam Scott) and stunt cameos (Christopher Lloyd, Richard Dreyfuss, Eli Roth) speaks to this playfulness. They all bring something fun to the screen, but I’ll be damned if you remember a single one of their characters’ names when you leave the theater.
By next summer this film will have been all but forgotten. It’s just the way this kind of film works—it’s not like you hear people talking about Snakes on a Plane anymore. But it was made in the spirit of fun, and if you let yourself get swept up, Piranha 3D is a sickly sweet guilty pleasure. And at the very least, as you return to Georgetown you can take pleasure in the fact that you saw dozens of frat types get eaten.
