“This scene is unbelievable because my frustration about this taxi cab does not understand where I want to go.”
These words were mangled together by two-term governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger, who evolved from iron-pumper into action star before he started signing bills. And, if more than 20 people had watched the DVD commentary of his film Total Recall before his election bid, lines like this one could have single-handedly sabotaged his run for office. If only the people of California had known that they were casting their ballots for a man wholly incapable of making a routine DVD commentary track.
DVD commentaries are a treasure trove. They provide an arena for directors and actors to give depth to seemingly insignificant film details that only hardcore fans could care about, and the awareness of this narrow viewership presents commentators with a chance to speak candidly to their fans. Some filmmakers take the commentary very seriously, and try to piece together what they can remember from the creative process, while other filmmakers invite cast members to discuss the film over drinks. The jovial laughter and clinking glasses affirm to the audience that these big-time actors are just like us—they enjoy a drink and a laugh as much as you or me.
And then there’s the enigmatic Total Recall commentary, with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Dutch director Paul Verhoeven. Verhoeven, whose repertoire has been accused of idealizing fascism (Starship Troopers), comes across as some kind of mad scientist as he shuffles around philosophical tangents with five-minute explanations of the special effects used to create a futuristic fingernail-painting sequence. Fortunately for the presumably sane audience (I know, I’m going out on a limb calling a Total Recall commentary audience sane), Schwarzenegger buffers the cerebral points Verhoeven grasps at. “Ow. That hurt,” the Austrian proclaims, as his crotch takes a beating. On second thought, forget about Arnold’s purported function as a buffer zone—he only makes Verhoeven’s borderline insanity even more questionable. This commentary duo is a match made in heaven.
What makes Schwarzenegger’s commentary so amusing is his inept approach to the production of a commentary track. The commentary usually exists as a guide to explain what is happening behind the camera, or to emphasize less apparent details on the screen. Instead, the ex-Governator takes the most obvious onscreen happenings and bluntly restates them. “This is my job, I am a construction worker,” he states. He’s in construction worker clothes, he’s wearing a construction hat, and he’s at a construction site. Arnold, we know you’re a construction worker. In fact, if you closed your eyes from start to finish, you could probably write a decent review of the film using Arnold’s literal commentary alone. “Here again, a totally different fight scene. A very brutal, hands-on fight scene,” he points out at what could only be described as a brutal, hands-on, and totally different fight scene.
While Total Recall remains an outlier in the world of DVD commentaries, it reminds us of the existence and potential of this off-the-radar special feature. DVD commentaries aren’t simply tacked onto the disc—they serve a purpose, and to many cinephiles, they provide an intimate setting for fans to get to know their idols. As an Arnold fan, I still enjoy his films, but with the added knowledge that the actor is simply incapable of making intelligent commentary. Still, that’s not the point. The point is, if Sylvester Stallone campaigns for governor in your state, it would be in your best interest to start watching the Rocky commentaries. That’s right, all six of them.
He even gives commentary on shoulder surgeries: http://sfist.com/2012/02/09/arnold_schwarzenegger_and_sylvester.php