Lez’hur ledger: Want your money back, you will

This Saturday, I wasted 16 dollars on a ticket to the 3D re-release of Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. The following is a letter I wrote to George Lucas explaining my disappointment.

Dear Mr. Lucas,

You suck.

Sincerely,

John Sapunor

P.S. This Saturday I attended a showing of Episode I in 3D with two friends. At the age of seven I lined up for the same film sans 3D, and now, at the age of 20, I felt that it would be best if I came to terms with the marring disappointment I felt at that 1999 showing. Sometimes it’s better not to trust the judgment of my seven-year-old self, and maybe I was wrong about how much the film sucked upon that first viewing. Eager to be impressed, my friends and I got dressed up as Jedi Knights and marched over to the theater in anticipation of this film’s shot at three-dimensional redemption.

When we sat down, we put on our special Darth Maul 3D glasses. “Darth Maul!” we exclaimed, praising the single badass character in Episode I’s pool of whiners. Maybe this movie wouldn’t be as bad as we thought.  Maybe Jar Jar had been edited out.

As the only three audience members dressed in Star Wars garb, we felt obligated to cheer for the opening credits. But following these credits, the plot setup dragged through space, reminding us of the film’s first major fault—the plot. The movie revolves around a trade blockade dispute. Was that the best you could come up with, Mr. Lucas? It sounds like someone from C-SPAN wrote this mundane garbage.

Enter 3D Jar Jar Binks (no, he was unfortunately not edited out of this re-release). You know how some 3D movies make you reach out in front of you to grab at what looks like a tangible object? Well 3D Jar Jar is so close to being real, so close to being capable of death, that I wanted to reach out and strangle him. But no, his incessant interjections could not be stopped. But to your credit, Mr. Lucas, Jar Jar has been a great unifier of Star Wars fans. Arguably—actually inarguably—the most despised character of all time, he made it clear to all Star Wars fans that this movie sucked, because to counter with a “If you look beyond Jar Jar” remark is impossible.  You simply cannot look past Jar Jar when debating the merits of The Phantom Menace.

Well, there’s no point in prolonging this rant if I can stop at Jar Jar. He single handedly ruined the film’s chance of redemption. The pod-racing scene was cool, and the final Darth Maul battle scene had an edge to it, but the rest was nothing but Jar Jar-tinged crapola. And to address the addition of 3D technology, I’ll refer you to the opinion of my fellow Jedi-costumed friend: “The 3D did a great job emphasizing the one-dimensionality of the plot.”

So there you go, Mr. Lucas. Your movie sucked in 1999, and it still sucks in 2012. I want my $16 back.