September was an interesting month for our nation and world. The pope visited, the Speaker of the House decided to step down, and heartbreaking stories of the European refugees were spread all over the world. One constant in the news cycle, however, failed to appear.
For the first time since 2009, the NFL went an entire month without having one of its players arrested. For 6 years, the one thing that Americans could trust was that some member of the nation’s favorite sports association would have a run-in with the law.
In order to help distraught fans who seem lost without this, I have decided to personally press charges against various members of the league.
Reckless Endangerment- Eagles Offensive Line: This is a no-brainer. Reckless endangerment is defined as “reckless behavior that creates a risk for bodily harm for another individual.” The atrocious play of the Eagles offensive line has put just about anyone with the ball in the backfield in danger, especially when Philly’s quarterback is Sam Bradford, whose very existence is already putting himself at risk for bodily harm. Bradford has already been sacked twice and has countlessly been rushed on his throws. On top of this, Demarco Murray has 11 total yards on the year, because every time he touches the ball in the backfield, he is immediately met by a member of the opposing team’s defense.
With the way this line has been playing, literally everyone is at risk.
Identity Theft– Whoever is Playing in Andrew Luck’s Uniform: I’m not sure yet who it is that stole Andrew Luck’s uniform and started playing quarterback for the Indianapolis Colts, but whoever it is will be found and brought to justice, hopefully before he is caught by a swarm of angry vigilante minded fantasy owners. There’s just no way the person playing out there is Luck. Three games in, the two-time Pro Bowl QB has already thrown 7 interceptions. In the entire 2013 season, he only threw 9. The only saving grace for Colts fans is that, at 1-2, they sit in a four-way tie for lead of the AFC South.
Assault- Demario Davis: During week one’s Browns- Jets game, Browns quarterback Josh McCown attempted to dive into the endzone for a touchdown. Because, well… it’s the Browns, he was hit, didn’t score, fumbled, and was concussed. The man behind the hit was Jets linebacker Demario Davis, who absolutely demolished McCown with his diving hit. The NFL has since stated that this was a legal hit, and it demonstrates not only his ferocity but his sheer strength. This kind of hit certainly counts as assault and if the prosecution is aggressive enough, the fumble can add an extra robbery charge.
Two weeks later, Davis was fined for a late shove on Eagles running back Darren Sproles, so maybe justice has been served.
Age Discrimination- Referee Ed Hochuli: Although I’m pretty sure the law is meant to protect age discrimination towards people who are too old, I’m going to go ahead and apply it here. In a week three Saints-Panthers game, Carolina quarterback Cam Newton claims that the referee Ed Hochuli told him that he “wasn’t old enough…” to get a late hit call that he was looking for. For those of you who don’t follow NFL referees, Ed is the absurdly jacked one who everyone ironically loves. I’m willing to give him a pardon, though, because he made a call in 1993 that led to a Cowboys loss and was the ref in the 2003 playoff game when the Eagles beat the Packers (4th and 26, Never Forget).
Hopefully this will curb the fans’ appetite for law breaking until
Jameis Winston an NFL player finally gets back around to doing something stupid.