As your Georgetown Hoyas gear up for another season of high hopes and deep disappointment on the hardwood, I’ve been hard at work as well. Investigative journalism is my passion, and I felt like it was time to give the beloved readers of Halftime Sports the important story they need to hear. I’ve been crunching the numbers, so without further ado, I present to you: a comprehensive list of everything Georgetown men’s head basketball coach and NBA Hall of Famer Patrick Ewing is taller than.
#1. Georgetown Voice Features Editor and author of this piece Katherine Randolph
Now, I’m not a short woman. In fact, I pride myself on being 5 feet and 6 and a half inches tall, which, according to Medical News Today, is approximately 2.5 inches taller than the average U.S. woman. So take that, average U.S. woman. Big Pat, however, is a towering 7 feet tall, and if my calculations are correct, that means he could pick me up and drop kick me across the Potomac without breaking a sweat.
#2. The pile of trash in my Henle Courtyard every Saturday and Sunday morning
There are many well-known hallmarks of that classy, rat ridden abode in North Campus that we call Henle Village, but little publicity is given to the mountains of Natty Light boxes and White Claw cans that settle on the cobblestones outside my apartment window the morning after all the sweaty shindigs where someone inevitably voms. Lucky for you readers, I spend a lot of time with garbage, and I can tell you with absolute confidence that Patrick Ewing is much, much taller.
#3. Current U.S. President and orange trashbag Donald J. Trump
Google says that Donald Trump is 6 feet and 3 inches tall, but I actually think it’s reasonable to suspect him of bribing some intern to lie on the Internet, so take this one with a grain of salt. No matter the exact number, however, one thing is clear: Patrick Ewing is so tall that he could literally rest his elbow on Trump’s racist, toupee-wearing head.
#4. The John Carroll Statue
Yes, the John Carroll Statue outside Healy Hall is tall. Patrick Ewing, though, is much taller, and the only reason Georgetown students don’t climb on his lap to take pictures is the fact that he’s actually so colossal that they couldn’t get there, and also because it would be super rude.
#5. The Washington Monument
The Washington Monument? Built by slaves, kind of basic, not that tall. Patrick Ewing? Raised by the beautiful city of Kingston, Jamaica, super interesting, cool, and did I mention he’s very tall? Though I got a C+ in MATH 040, my calculations seem sound here.
Halftime Sports, I’ve done the math so you don’t have to. Stay tuned for my next piece, “A Comprehensive List of All the Movies that Would Be Better if Dorothy Adomako Were in Them”.