I’ll be honest; I know nothing about Godzilla vs. Kong (2021). I have not seen the film and I do not plan to. I have not seen any previous Godzilla or King Kong movies. I had to ask Google which one of them was the ape (I was wrong, but in my defense, Godzilla sounds a lot like gorilla).
In fact, the entire premise is uninteresting to me. If I am going to watch animals fight, they might as well be animals I want to root for—cuddly, defensible creatures. Or at least really cool. See below.
No animals, real or ideational, were harmed in the making of this list.
1. Every bird, against each other
Birds are not real. I firmly believe this. I think an inter-bird war would both reveal their robotic tendencies, vindicating me, and also just be pretty epic. To be clear, this should not result in an Hitchcock The Birds (1963) situation. I will be as far away from the bird war as possible.
2. Horse sized duck and multiple duck sized horses
Have we ever considered the best way to answer the question of would you rather fight one horse sized duck or several duck sized horses is just to pit them against each other? For science of course.
3. A penguin and a giraffe
This pairing is really attractive because of the limited mobility we got going on. The penguin would be trapped on the ground, waddling around. Sure, the giraffe is a lot taller, but it can’t exactly bend down to assert that power. I’m also imaging this happening on ice, so just generally a mess. Which is not that different from what I imagine Godzilla vs. Kong (2021) is, but much cuter.
4. A snail and a worm
Another pair for science. How would either of these animals even fight? What weapon does a glorified piece of string have? What about a rock that moves? These are the questions we can answer here people.
5. A dragon and a kraken
Look, if we are going for fantastical, why aren’t we going all the freaking way?? They’re just as huge but have tails and fire breathing powers and tentacles and, just generally, are not glorified monkeys and lizards. Plus, the air battles wouldn’t rely on climbing and destroying buildings, so there’s a win in it for city planners.
6. A porcupine and a puffer fish
Assuming we can find a suitable habitat for the two, a battle of the spikes would certainly have a point to it. (See what I did??!!) I’m mainly imagining the two bumping into each other and then bouncing apart like bumper cars, which might not be realistic but sure sounds entertaining. Thank me for that picture in your head right now. Do it.
7. Two baboons who want a snack
Listen, I know I just said watching monkeys fight wasn’t entertaining. But you have never seen need until you have seen the look in a baboon’s eye after you pull out some chips. If there’s just the one snack for two contenders? Fur will fly.
8. My girlfriend’s fish
We already know they are fighting. They keep disappearing. Some must be eating others. I just want proof. RIP Scooter.
9. Squirrels with a history
Have you ever been rushed by a squirrel? Think about how scared you were. Now think about ALSO being a squirrel being rushed by a squirrel. Now imagine that squirrel betrayed your squirrel family. Yeah.
10. A miniature cow and literally anything.
This one isn’t about violence. I just want to see a miniature cow. This felt like a good way to swing it.