As the senior most opinionated people of the Georgetown Voice, we decree that the following opinions are correct and final. We will not be elaborating. No arguments.
We also created guidelines—re: mandatory changes—about the rest of the Voice’s sections (and even The Hoya, just for our favorite ex). You’re all welcome, by the way.
If you take issue with any of them, please feel free to tweet about it so that the rest of the world can roast you alongside us.
Georgetown
- Mr. Georgetown should include some form of combat, either during or in addition to the spicy dance sequence
- Georgetown should institute a “controlled burn” policy for fires in certain buildings (aka Henle)
- Those who strangle their friends for bringing up their high school SAT scores shall receive full pardons for their crimes
- SFS students must live in the basement of the ICC to prepare for when they are inevitably prosecuted by the ICC
- Don’t worry. We’ll give them world maps for entertainment.
- The Corp should build scooter-through locations
- (Passing through + mug = The PUG)
- We should incorporate corporate lobbying into GUSA
- John Joseph DeGioia should hold office hours
News
- All congressional hearings should be livestreamed exclusively on TikTok
- James Corden should be dressed up like Cesar Flickerman to better reflect the superfluous impact capitalism has wrought in our society
- C-SPAN should do confessionals, Keeping Up with the Kardashians style
- All news interviews should be conducted carpool karaoke style (looking at you, Anderson Cooper)
- If a car isn’t available, the truck in upstairs Leo’s will suffice.
Sports
- We should remove all references to basketball from the fight song, pending better performance
- Gymnastics is a Big 5 sport
- Players should be ranked on entertainment value rather than skill
- Golf is for the girlies (#onwednesdayswewearpink)
Leisure
- Bring back intermissions (see upcoming Voices piece) in ALL movies
- At least 15 minutes long for those of us who will inevitably have to pee and want to grab a snack (small bladder rights forever)
- Poetry is for people who can’t sing
- Bring back the BCU (Barbie Cinematic Universe), starring Bibble
- Shrek is the second best movie of all time
Food
- Taco Tuesday is nasty, and for struggle meals only
- Ketchup is an acceptable pasta sauce
- MUG makes the best corp drinks
- Matcha oat milk with vanilla is overrated (also matcha tastes like grass)
- Allergen is underrated
The Hoya
- The Hoya did not take us back after our editorial last year—we will now be entering our revenge era
- Title Sequence: “Look What You Made Me Do”
- The Voice should host info sessions for current Hoya staffers
- The Hoya should print on pink, scented, newspaper, Elle Woods style
- The Hoya should replace all of its writers with ChatGPT to cut down on the five percent budget cut GUSA gave Media Board
- The Hoya should, out of the kindness of their hearts, let us have the domain for the “thegeorgetownvoice.com”
- Please, it’s been decades, and we can’t buy it from you online. We just want people to read our news.
