This April 1, the Editorial Board wanted to offer some ideas on how to re-envision our stale campus in a way that feels a little more fresh. To see the other proposal in this series click here.
Georgetown’s campus is 104 acres. To help the average Georgetown student visualize this, it may be helpful to put it in familiar terms. First, picture your father’s golf course in your mind’s eye. Now think: if it is on the smaller end (which we by no means imply it is), his course may only take up 30 acres. Next, multiply that by 3.5. And, voila… there you have the size of Georgetown. Now, this size comparison has gotten us at the Georgetown Voice thinking: isn’t the University already a lot like a golf course? It employs a large crew of landscapers and groundskeepers to keep the lawns as green as the University’s wallets, and already has enough sprinklers and golf carts to pass as a golfing facility.
If by now you are thinking,“You think campus is my Dad’s golf course?”, you are not quite getting it, and highly likely a legacy admit. Rather, we propose building an entirely new course right here in Georgetown. As we have shown, the University has ample space for a revolutionary project of such a scale. With the massive renovations already underway on Georgetown’s campus, the Voice urges the University to consider the following proposal for building “Foraminis in Unum” (Hole in One), our very own golf resort and spa.
Before we outline our proposal, we must note why Georgetown must convert into a golf resort. Firstly, golf resorts are more profitable than universities. As a non-profit university, Georgetown must reinvest all of its revenue into the institution. A golf course, however, can turn a profit for its shareholders. Thus, transforming the University would yield more than satisfactory results; the administration already has dollar signs in their eyes, so why not put a couple more into their pockets?
Our proposal takes a three-pronged approach to transforming the University. First, certain parts of the campus will have to be removed. Second, other parts of campus will be transformed and repurposed for the resort. Finally, all resorts must be unique, so our proposal outlines strategies for ensuring an attractive resort.
Unfortunately, many buildings will have to go in order to make space for the golf greens. This is simply one harsh truth that comes with creating a golf resort out of a 230-year-old institution of higher knowledge. But the University could use a little sprucing up in this regard! VCE, VCW, and Harbin will be removed in order to put greens in the center of campus. Reiss and Saint Mary’s will also be removed as they are not particularly good looking buildings and will impede sunrise views for early bird members. No one will miss them. The forest behind campus will also be torn down for usage; who needs exhausting, lonely hikes or a secluded place to smoke a blunt when instead they can cart across the fairway at lightning speeds with a nine-iron in their bag and a friend at their side (likely also unhappily married)? While the buildings in Southwest Quad must sadly be removed as well, the volleyball court will remain… because we like it (and it doubles as a bunker). And finally: the Surgical Center. After several long years and thousands of hours of work, the gleaming beacon of medical marvels is almost complete! What a shame, because it is also among the first to go:( We wish something else could be done, but it harshes the vibe! Never fear, for its fate is bright: by simply demolishing the building and deconstructing the foundation, it can be converted into a lake for many old white men(likely named Doug) to curse at when their balls inevitably sink in. What a thrill!
Other parts of campus can be easily transformed to fit the classic amenities found on today’s golf resorts. To start, Yates will finally reach its true form as a luxury spa. The seat of campus meditation will be moved to the spa, so the John Main Center can be converted into a snack shack (it truly is the perfect size). The Thompson Athletic Center will be transformed into a specialized golf training facility, including state-of-the-art golf simulators… and maybe even flight simulators, because why not. And every resort needs a gift shop! Luckily Georgetown already has Leavey, which will undergo (minimal) changes to become the Leavey Clubhouse! Car Barn can easily be converted to its original state as a facility housing vehicles. Under its new name (and we’re pretty proud of this one), “Cart Barn”, the complex will house the many golf carts available for guests to rent (and trash).
Only a few buildings on campus will be spared—er, not have the privilege to join this visionary project. Walsh will become the only class building in the entire University. For the students who are still willing to attend the school, LXR and Nevils will remain as on-campus housing. The Hariri Building, however, will also remain intact! There, MSB students will not only be able to study business, but the equally important skill of closing deals while golfing.
But every golf resort must be unique, so what will pull visitors to this course in particular? To begin with, we will be reprogramming the Healy bells to play the Pirates of the Caribbean theme at noon and 6pm. Further, Georgetown has already revolutionized the use of rooftop spaces as athletic facilities. Thus, visitors from all over will flock to play on our multi elevation course. But of course, the main pull is playing golf atop the crushed dreams of the Georgetown students relegated to East Campus for the creation of the course—a joy you can only find in a place like this.
And this is why the University must convert itself swiftly and forthwith into Washington, D.C.’s next leading golf resort and spa. Closing closing closing, closing closing closing, blah blah blah we’re gonna get these suckers and so on. ← Don’t forget to change this part! The end.
