The objective 100% accurate ranking of the freshman dorms (Not up for debate!)

Design by Pia Cruz
  1. New South 

What’s the only thing worse than being the worst dorm? Being the second worst dorm. Darnall is legendary for the suffering of its residents and the deep bonds they form through trauma. New South has plenty of its own problems, but gets none of the sympathy. It’s a loser-takes-all world. Residents of New South might try to convince you otherwise, but their mold-addled minds should not be trusted. “Oh, you have your own sink!” That’s exactly the problem! Even from the outside, you can see the mysterious black gunk clinging to the outside of the walls, dripping down from the windows. And the vibes of New South are, quite frankly, horrendous. Remember, dear reader, that this is an objective account of the dorms, so unfortunately you cannot disagree with this vibe assessment. The original floor plans are believed to have been drawn up by a prison architect. If there are any Foucault-heads (bald people) reading this, they know what’s up—convergence of schools and prison, control societies, the panopticon, et cetera. Sounds bad! Even worse, because it is one of the most populous dorms, the opps-per-square-foot is off the charts. If you want to avoid someone from New South, I wish you good luck. Not only are the elevators the slowest, but the only other option is a tiny staircase that not only concentrates everyone along one passage but humiliates them with a door to the outside that they can’t open. If you’re a New South dweller, good health and Godspeed. 

  1. Darnall 

There may be some that gawk at this placement of Darnall, as the reputation of the building precedes it. Incoming freshmen every year pray they will not face the hellish wrath that is being placed in this hall. However, there is one thing that every person on this Earth wants at some point in their life and the lucky freshmen placed in Darnall get to have it every single day: pity. Yes, the facilities are a bit abhorrent and residents must contend with both mice and bats. The new construction adds ten minutes to any trip to and from the building. The horror stories we have heard about the all-girls Darnall 4 bathrooms keep us up at night. Nonetheless with all of this comes the sympathy of the entire school and the bragging rights that you earn by living in this horrendous environment. The second you mention that you live in Darnall, no one can touch you. “Copley has cold showers,” “New South has flies in its showers,” “No one knows Reynolds exists”… okay? It will never compare to Darnall. From this grueling and harrowing living experience comes a humility that makes its residents so pleasant. Despite the pain they face every day, some of the best people you know live in Darnall. The people make the place, so while the dorm is objectively awful, they give Darnall a leg up in this ranking. 

  1. Harbin 

Many people use many different attributes to describe Harbin: “Bill Clinton’s old dorm,” “the center of campus,” “cluster system, best system.” These are all wrong. If there is one word to describe Harbin Hall, it is mediocre. There is nothing overtly wrong with Harbin. It is a solid location sans the eye-sore that Harbin residents call their patio. The rooms—complete with wooden floors and expansive desks—are nice and spacious except for the fact that you are either forced to bunk your bed or cuddle up in a mega-bed with the stranger you got an 80% CHARMS match with. The people are generally nice, except for that one guy who is best friends with your friend’s ex-situationship that left her bedridden for two days. All this to say, there is nothing exceptional about Harbin. It is fine—not good, not bad. Just fine. No one would lay their life down on the line for Harbin, yet you never hear that many complaints. Harbin is the jack of all trades, master of none of the freshman dorms, earning it the appropriate spot smack in the middle of this list. 

  1. Copley 

The home of royals and children of diplomats coping with living amongst mere mortals, Copley Hall is a sanctuary for those students that appreciate the finer things in life. From intricate stonework to lovely landscaping, Copley seems picture-perfect to onlooking eyes. The residents of Copley, though, might protest this assessment. They have their own gripes and grievances with their living situation. It’s not easy cleaning your own bathroom, especially when you have to work around three other people’s schedules to do so! And let’s not forget the plumbing. The showers–and their alleged freezing cold water–are at the center of Copley residents’ chief complaints. Though, when compared to the incessant fire alarms and murderous intruders of New South, the sewage explosions and fire extinguisher heists of Darnall, and the indubitable mediocrity of Harbin, Copley appears as paradisiacal as the Elysium of Greek Mythology. Second only to Reynolds, Copley is the picturesque epitome of the best of Georgetown. Copley residents, with their stunning view of The Lawn™ and the iconic John Carroll statue, can count themselves among the luckiest of the freshman class. The Gothic Revival architecture, the ensuite bathrooms, and the walkability to the beloved Lauinger Library all coalesce to form the (second) finest freshman dorm in the greater DC metropolitan area.

  1. Reynolds 

The definition of an unproblematic favorite, Reynolds Hall is so ideal that they let upperclassmen live there. With red-brick architecture, spacious rooms, and even a volleyball court, Reynolds has the power to convince the unsuspecting onlooker that college life at Georgetown is just like the movies. The residence hall is conveniently located in the Southwest Quad, making it perfect for both early-morning trips to Leo’s and late-night runs to Hoya Snaxa. But why exactly is there so little discourse about such a venerated dorm? Reynolds Hall has something that no other freshman dorm has: normal people. That’s right, this April Fools, the Voice hereby decrees that being normal is a good thing. In a world where Copley girls spit at you and Harbin boys bark at you, Reynolds kids simply nod at you and walk by. Or so we assume. We’ve never actually met anyone from Reynolds. Despite, or perhaps because of, the fact that we are still not entirely sure it even exists, Reynolds Hall ranks first as the Voice’s best freshman hall.

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