I’m feeling anxious that I haven’t found “my people” yet. Everyone around me is getting in these super-close friend groups (and honestly some people are being weirdly possessive of “their people” and “the dynamic”). I don’t want to a) jump into a group I don’t totally vibe with because I’m scared of not having one, b) force myself into a group that doesn’t want me, or c) be alone. What should I do?
— Fretting Freshman
Ohhh, buddy. This is a real pincher of a problem and you might not like the answer I’m going to give you, because it means you are going to have to be lonely, uncomfortable, and nervous sometimes (maybe a lot of the time). But hopefully you will also take heart when I tell you that the problem may not be as big as it probably feels to you now.
The first step is to take stock. If you’re in (or quasi-in) any friend groups right now, ask yourself: Do you feel comfortable? If not, do you have a gut-feeling that something’s not right with this group? Or is it in an ah-I’m-nervous-because-I-really-like-these-people-and-don’t-want-to-mess-it-up kind of way? Can you actually have beyond surface-level conversations with each member of the group and be honest with each other? In my experience, friend groups that function best are ones where each member has a personal relationship with every other member. That doesn’t mean you all have to be equally close, but it does mean that you could spend quality time alone individually and enjoy it.
The answers to these questions should help clarify which relationships you want to pursue. You may find that there is a group you’d like to join. You may also find that there are certain people that you’d like to form a relationship with, but that you don’t like their friend group.
Regardless of friend groups, the most important and actionable thing you can do right now is invest in individual friendships. Figure out which people make you feel good, if they care about reciprocating effort, and who makes you laugh! These kinds of friends will end up being your strongest support pillars precisely because you choose to be friends—without the external pressure of a group. Plus, you can always introduce these friends to each other, and maybe that will lead to a group. If you vibe with someone in class, take the brave step to ask them to hang out. Same goes for clubs. Suggesting a timeframe and an activity will help temper awkwardness. If they don’t want to hang out, it also gives them a more graceful way to decline, without having to go, “Oh yeah sure, I’ll text you,” and leave you in ghosted-limbo.
Also, I should say: It’s totally cool to be a floater! You can still have a meaningful and fulfilling social life without having a dedicated friend group. Just because we’re fed the idyllic image of the college friend group (cue the montage of inside jokes, galavanting around town, sitting on a dorm room floor and collapsing on each other in a fit of laughter, etc.), doesn’t mean that’s the way your friendships have to form. You can still have all those things without a set group.
Still, I get it. Not having a group while everyone else does can make you question your social skills and even your self-worth.
Just know that not everyone has it figured out. At high-achieving, image-conscious Georgetown, lots of people are really good at pretending everything’s fine and fulfilling when it’s actually not. And as we all know, social media is so not real.
Keep pushing yourself to meet new people, even when it feels like your social window has passed. Taking interest in someone new is not cringey! It’s actually very flattering when someone wants to be your friend, right? The asker-outer on a friend date typically looks confident and cool. You can be that person, and it will get easier with practice to be that person. Much like in romance, not all friend dates will work out, but some will!
My main point: Keep trying, and don’t pour yourself into friendships that don’t sit right with you, even if that means you don’t find a group right away.
As for people being possessive over their groups, it either means they actually just do not want to be friends with you, or they’re passing off their raging insecurity as Having Made Their Bestest Best Friends For Life (No Sharing Allowed). In the end, all these people have known each other for about five minutes, and people often need longer than that to form genuine friendships.
Believe me, half of these groups are going to fall apart by (or on) Halloween.
That means soon, lots of people are going to wake up and start reinvesting time into making new friends—in perfect time for you to be that cool confident asker-outer.
You’re doing amazing sweetie,
Sybil
