I’m not my boyfriend’s first girlfriend (he is my first love and first everything though). How do I get over feeling jealous/resentful?
— Green
This is a really difficult position to be in. I truly feel for you! It’s a good sign you don’t want to feel jealous or resentful. If I’m understanding correctly, you either think it’s draining or irrational (or both) to feel that way, and you’re right. But, as we all know, just because an emotion isn’t rational, doesn’t mean it won’t be a valid and powerful force in our overall headspace.
Addressing the jealousy first. Review your thought patterns: are you comparing yourself to his past partner(s)? In what ways? If so, focus on who you are, what you bring to the relationship, and remember that you’re not forcing him to stay: your boyfriend chose—and is actively choosing every day—to be with you.
Yes, your boyfriend and past partner(s) shared something he and you don’t share. Every relationship is unique! That also means you and your boyfriend share something he and his past partner(s) never shared. The first time you two did anything together was still the first time you did that thing together. Comparison isn’t going to get you anywhere (besides perhaps down a wicked dark hole).
Onto the resentment. What do you resent? Your boyfriend for having past relationships? His ex-partner(s)? The universe for not bringing you together sooner? Whatever the answer, there’s no place for festering resentment in a healthy relationship, which I would hope you have. This resentment is unwarranted and is only going to end up surfacing in your relationship in nasty ways that could render it unhealthy.
Be mindful of ways your resentment could be impacting your demeanor and communication with your boyfriend. If you feel it surfacing, (maybe resulting in snippy comments or antagonized silences), recognize the emotion, allow yourself to feel it privately, and try not to stew. It will likely pass. This technique allows you to stay alert to your emotions without giving them power, and will (hopefully) eventually help you stop feeling resentful as much.
That being said, if your boyfriend is bringing baggage from his past and not addressing it in a healthy manner—or at all—your resentment is likely an important signal that the relationship needs intervention or ending.
I’d also advise you to consider bringing this up with your boyfriend once you’ve done some reflecting about why exactly you’re feeling this way, and how you’re reacting to these feelings. The point of opening up an honest discussion is not to seek assurances, but to give him insight into how you’re feeling. Who knows? This kind of dialogue may bring you two closer.
I’m guessing these feelings of jealousy and resentment ultimately stem from the fact that this has been a magical love for you, made all the more special for it being your first romantic relationship. They say they’re nothing quite like a first love, and even if that’s true, just because your relationship is your boyfriend’s second (or third or fourth) doesn’t mean his love and affection for you is cheapened.
It can feel vulnerable to discuss having limited romantic experience. Just know it’s not something you need to feel insecure about! However, if you do feel insecure (which is very understandable), that could be good to talk to your boyfriend about. Putting your honest feelings out in the open can help you guys work through them together, give your boyfriend context that can help him support you, or even just be a relief to get off your chest.
On the physical intimacy note (which I sense your “first everything comment” hints at):
1.) You can have pleasureful, meaningful intimacy no matter the number of relationships or sexual experiences you’ve had.
2.) Knowing that your partner has previous sexual experience can be intimidating. Or it can be reassuring. Either way, don’t be afraid to communicate about what makes you comfortable and what brings you pleasure. Your boyfriend should want to support you!
If you’re constantly dwelling on your boyfriend’s romantic or sexual past, it’s like inviting his exes’ ghosts into your relationship. Seems like that’s exactly what you don’t want!
At the end of the day, your boyfriend is with you now. Focus on what you have and can build together, rather on what you don’t and can’t.
You got this!
Sybil
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