In a recent study conducted by Cornell University, Georgetown University’s own Darnall Hall was ranked as the 19th most sexually active dorms in the country. The study, which can be found at http://www.heartwarmers4u.com/ members/?jbarn1, raises grave concerns for many students in Darnall that they are living on the wrong floor or, at the very least, not walking around naked nearly as much as they should be.
The students in Darnall are proud of their status as the 19th most sexually active dorm and would do anything to uphold that status. That’s right, anything. Or anyone. It’s how they got to where they are in the first place-low standards and buckets of lube. While some might be skeptical of the Cornell study (and why shouldn’t you be–Cornell is full of glue-sniffing deviants with no moral standpoint to judge us from), I can assure you that no inch of it is a lie. Or rather, no word of it. Often while walking through the modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah that is Darnall, one hears nothing but lustful moans issuing from every room, shower and kitchen as fellow students get their respective “thangs” on round the clock. This has led many to wonder if the frequent elevator short-outs are accidental, or the cause of the janitor’s key falling into the wrong pair of curious, sticky hands.
Many of the phresh-phaced, phoot-loose and phancy-phree phreshmen new to Georgetown aspire to live in the vice den that is Darnall, and the lucky few are thrilled upon receiving low picks in the dorm lottery—which virtually ensures their entrance into Village D’s Elysian fields of sin and delight. But take heart, the den of carnal pleasure and mediocre cafeteria food on the Hilltop is an attainable reality for many, and need not just be a wet dream. You might think that Village C, with its private bathrooms, or New South, with its reek of musk and pheromones (you only thought it was the smell of the cafeteria) would be more conducive to getting it on, but Darnall prevails over these other likely love nests. Many who live in Darnall might be inclined to wonder how Cornell gathered data for the study, if they aren’t too busy pondering why their rooms have mirrors over the beds and revolving disco balls.
Maybe it’s the porno being shot in room 413, or the people constantly masturbating in the seventh floor lounge, or maybe it’s the goat tied up in the sixth floor men’s bathroom—whatever it is, you can be sure that everyone who lives in Darnall is having much more sex than you are. And if you are the one guy not having sex on an hourly basis, you’re probably not going to the right floor meetings, or it could be because those frisky transfers are just holding out on you, or maybe you’re exceptionally boring and have no personality or interests whatsoever (you wouldn’t be the first at Georgetown). I’m off to earn some more noise violations so I can spend another year in the heaven that is Darnall or, failing that, I’m off to go hump a fridge.
