What do you call that girl you make out with on the weekend but whose hand you have yet to hold in public? More than friend or less than girlfriend, the correct sociological label is irrelevant—this Valentine’s Day only one tag matters: gift-recipient.
Valentine’s Day gifts are laced with hidden messages and innuendos about the nature and expected lifespan of the relationship. Send a dozen roses, for example, and she’s bound to think you’re a complete tool, while lingerie screams “I’m in it for the sex.” The best gifts are those that perfectly communicate your level of interest, from “I, you know, like you” to “Will you marry me?”
If your girl’s a music lover, consider the OhMiBod, a vibrator that plugs into your iPod. One reviewer promises it will keep you “rocking and rolling in musical ecstasy.” Not only is it much more original than a lame mix tape or concert tickets, but it’s a gift that keeps on giving—unless the battery runs out or she decides she’s better off with her vibrator than you. The OhMiBod costs $69 and can be ordered at www.OhMiBod.com.
For the athlete in your life, nothing says “do me harder” like a power tool. Sure, he probably lives in Village B and isn’t even responsible for his own maintenance, but what guy doesn’t want his own drill? A Craftsman 14.4 volt Diehard cordless drill will set you back $79.99 at Circuit City.
Just because your girlfriend’s underage doesn’t mean you don’t have to give her a gift. (Just make sure you don’t sign your real name on the card.) That significant minor in your life is sure to love the My Scene Goes Hollywood with Lindsay Lohan ($29.99), a 12-inch fashion doll in the likeness of Lohan made by Mattel. (Tiny bag of cocaine sold separately.)
If you’re dating an all-around sweet guy, there’s nothing like a plate of homemade brownies to hit the spot. And if it turns out your all-around sweet guy is sleeping with your best friend, there’s nothing like homemade brownies laced with Ex-Lax to even the score. It’s the perfect poison: painful but no traceable damage.
