The quest for the perfect Halloween costume is like the search for a soulmate: few people ever find one, and most end up settling for some piece of crap their friend picked out.
THE JERK
Your friends think you’re a mean-spirited bastard, but really you just hate spending money on anything, especially frivolous nonsense like Halloween. Take heart—these costumes will allow you to bask in the misfortune of others for free or close to it. If you can’t use Halloween as a vehicle to showcase your wit and frugality, what’s the point?
1. Ex-Lehman Brother’s associate: Dress up as a bum and carry a cardboard box of office supplies. You’ll need: one clump of dirt, the contents of your hamper, Mad-Dog 20/20 to gargle with. Total cost: $0
2. Kid who didn’t get into Georgetown: Print off a copy of a rejection letter. Wear a GW sweatshirt. Mumble vaguely about your “great financial aid package.” Total Cost : 10 cents for printing. Threat to your safety: high, at least if you plan on venturing outside the front gates.
THE SFS-er
Your academic ambitions swallowed your personality long before you attended a midnight screening of The Exorcist, and your Halloween costume should reflect this. Make sure everyone knows how little you enjoy fun with these ideas.
1. Map of the Modern World:Print out a large world map at Kinko’s and wear it billboard style. Cut out holes for eyes. Carry a handful of crayons and ask strangers to color in the “axis of evil.”
2. The Slutty G-8 Summit: Great for a group of girls, or those guys from the SFS frat: You’ll need double-sided tape and flags from Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, Russia, the United Kingdom, and the United States. Position the flags so they cover your naughty bits. Or so they don’t.
THE TEASE
A Halloween costume isn’t just a reflection of who you are—it’s also a barometer of your level of sexual frustration. Don’t leave the boys (or girls) guessing—get their attention with these clever variations on that old Halloween stand-by of “slutty- (insert profession here).”
1. Bristol Palin: Stuff a pillow under your shirt and slap a smile on your face. Extra points if you can talk a teenage boy into trotting around behind you looking horrified. Whatever you do, don’t cave to the temptation to be her mom. Sarah Palin is to Halloween 2008 what Borat was to Halloween 2006: overdone. Possible repercussions: A midnight lecture on the integrity of human life, dirty looks from College Republicans.
2.. Angelina Jolie: Buy eight baby dolls of various ethnicities and plop them into a Radio Flyer wagon. Smear on some lip-plumping gloss and slip into a white tank top. Voilà!
THE COUPLE
You’re in a long term relationship and your individual identities have coalesced into one genderless, “we” entity. You would go as each other, but you live in the same HOYA sweatshirts and flip-flops. Try these ideas instead. (Or better yet, stay at home. No one likes couples at parties anyway).
1. Tourists Visiting D.C.: One of you dresses as a cherry tree; the other walks slowly and carries a camera. You’ll need: khaki shorts, new sensible walking shoes, and a Midwestern accent. Variation: one of you dresses up as a Metro card machine.
2.. Nicholas Sarkozy and Carla Bruni: This is a good costume for any couple where the chick is both hotter and taller than her boyfriend. Make it a double date by adding Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.
If none of these appeal to you, don’t fret. Just head over to the seasonal aisle of CVS-—there’s still time to find a “sexy nurse” outfit at the bottom of the bargain bin.
