Whiskey Business: Girl, what you sippin’ on?

Let’s be honest: I write a drinking column. I like going to bars. I like the décor, the loud music, the varied atmospheres, the availability of alcohol. I like to see friends or people I haven’t seen for a while, and I like meeting new people.
But, at the risk of painting myself as too anti-social, my favorite thing by far about bars is the people-watching.  For anyone who considers people-watching an acceptable pastime, bars are a gold mind of potential material. And the crowd at any two bars is never the same – the experience is guaranteed to be much different at Rhino than, say, on U Street, or at your local bars at home.
But spend enough time in the dark corners of bars and you will notice that, no matter how diverse the clientele may be, customers always seem to follow a few certain predictable patterns. So without further ado, I present to you my system of stereotyping people by what they order at bars.
Natty, Bud, Michelob, Coors: People who get take-out more than twice a week
Sierra Nevada, Stella, Yuengling: People who wear V-necks on a regular basis
Rum and Coke: People who wear collared shirts on a regular basis
Gin and Tonic: People who secretly wish they had more opportunities to curse other people out
Wine: People who like to talk about art; people who wish they could talk about art; Europeans.
Cape Codders: Girls who went to high school in New England
Vodka Tonic: People who really just like to drink water
Anything straight up/neat: Badasses
Tequila shots: Girls who wish it was Spring Break already, guys who carry condoms in their wallet
Long Island Iced Tea: People who are really, really good at drinking
Sangria: Girls who love designer clothes
A round for the bar: People who love to shout at their TV
Bloody Mary: People who think drinking before 10 a.m. is totally acceptable
Pitchers of anything: People who get way too into the same ‘90s or Top 40 playlist that plays every night
Vodka Red Bull: People who can’t afford cocaine
Mojito: People who think it would be cool to bike to a bar
Pimm’s: People who think everything is cooler if you say it in a British accent
Jaegerbombs: People who mostly use the internet to watch YouTube videos
Martini: People who wouldn’t be upset if their lives looked more like Mad Men
Whiskey Sour: People who wouldn’t be upset if their lives looked more like a Western
White Russian: People who think sleeping for 18 hours sounds like a great way to spend a day
Champagne: People who make way more money than you do.
So there you have it, a semi-comprehensive compilation of my research. Of course, these are just stereotypes. They don’t apply to everyone and should never be taken 100 percent seriously. But the next time you find yourself striking up a conversation at a bar, it couldn’t hurt to check out what they’re drinking—you wouldn’t want a Whiskey Sour to end up in a duel with a Tequila shot.