Detractors say rap is the bane of the music industry, inciting youth to worship talentless frauds that can neither sing nor craft lyrical greatness. I have one response to this criticism—really, who cares? Hip-hop can be hilarious. Delving into the shittiest lyrics on the market gives us a tragic and comical look at the failures and successes of some of the most popular artists’ attempts at lyrical ingenuity. The amusement listeners get from dissecting the lines of their favorite goofy rapper is a perfectly legitimate reason for listening.
Just about everyone who truly does enjoy rap is bemoaning its recent downfall: they point to the new banal, self-promotional lyrics and the tedious tough guy acts. You would think that this flourishing industry is in danger of going bankrupt. The genre’s supposed undoing is on the minds of rappers as well. In the radio hit “Nothin’ On You,” B.o.B grasps the merits of keeping your books in order for the IRS, “Baby, you the whole package, plus you pay your taxes.” The money-conscious rapper may just be hitting his stride on the way to a successful career, but this pitiful “rhyme” in a fast-paced love song does an absolutely fantastic job of killing the mood. The first time I heard the lyric, I remember tilting my head inquisitively, rewinding a few seconds, and reliving the ridiculousness of that moment.
If there were ever a rapper built on the premise that smoking weed results in good music, Lil Wayne would be the prototype. He’s preposterously tattooed, with long-ass dreads, and shorter than Tom Cruise—his image is confusing, yet mesmerizing. As he has compiled one of the most impressive rap discographies of our time, he has influenced several generations of youth. Wait, what? That can’t be. Because on the song “6 Foot 7 Foot,” he sings, “Real Gs move in silence like lasagna.” The line is a grammatical travesty. At the same time, though, it’s oddly alluring. It is this kind of twisted creativity that makes sense and makes us laugh when you forget about trying to analyze the song as some literary construction.
It isn’t just Billboard-crushing pop rappers who find themselves getting destroyed by critics for their word choice. Kanye West, the butt of many jokes despite his undeniable production talent, is obviously guilty of committing more than a few of these lyrical crimes. The best one comes from a Jadakiss song, where Kanye croons to the love of his life, “Are you into astrology? ‘Cause umm… I’m trying to make it to Uranus.” This pickup line, clearly ripped from a quick Google search about how to sweet-talk the ladies, neither rhymes with the verse nor fits the beat’s meter, prompting the hesitant addition of “‘cause umm.” It’s utterly stupid. Any regular person who sang this line would be ridiculed and chastised, but from the mouth of an idealized rapper it gets eaten up as “classic Kanye.” Despite the enormous desire to shut the music off, it’s impossible to ignore the sense of satisfaction that comes from hearing a rapper make a fool of himself.
Rappers’ lyrics have reached the point where they’re so bad that they’re actually pretty damn good. The downfall of rap isn’t a lack of talent or even poorly crafted lyrics, it’s that the majority hits on the internet rising one day and falling the next don’t have an iota of personality. I would rather hear an amusing or distinctive artist, like Kreayshawn or any of the Odd Future crew, than listen to another speed rapper, rap battler, or gangsta spit four minutes of “swag” garbage through my throbbing earbuds. In a world where hip-hop lines are judged by college kids and Pitchfork snobs, the rapper using bewildering lyrics is on the fast track to commercial success.
Best rap lyric of all time: “You gotta Prada bag with a lotta stuff in it” – Will Smith
I’m sorry I wrote this article, brcause Vanya had the best lyric of allll tiiiime…