Thoughts On The Opening Number and Jimmy Kimmel’s Monologue
Justin Timberlake opens the Oscars with a rendition of “Can’t Stop the Feeling” and gets the A-listers on their feet, reminding us all that host Jimmy Kimmel cannot sing nor dance (as observed by Grace Laria).
Kimmel comes out firing with a cringeworthy Mel Gibson joke (the first of many) that makes me want to die. He then transitions to some “safer” jokes that are chuckle-worthy, including a crack at Damien Chazelle’s age (“If he wins this he’ll be able to go to any college he wants!”) and some playful remarks about how depressing Manchester By the Sea is (according to Kimmel, Zoloft is a must afterwards).
His joke about actresses always having to lose weight for their roles (while actors get awards for it) is extremely reminiscent of a joke Tina Fey and Amy Poehler told during their second time hosting the Golden Globes. This reminds me of how bitter I am that Amy and Tina have refused to host the Oscars. THIS IS BIGGER THAN YOU.
Meryl Streep acts bashful when Kimmel devotes a segment of his monologue to honoring her 20th nomination and then wastes no time standing up to receive her ovation. A true queen knows her worth.
Thoughts On Best Supporting Actor
Alicia Vikander is so well-spoken and so tan.
Mahershala Ali shakes Jeff Bridges’ hand as he makes his way up to the stage. He then gives a shout out to his grandma for teaching him proper suit etiquette and appears to fight back tears as he delivers a beautiful speech. He spends a significant amount of time thanking his wife profusely and beams as he talks about his four-day-old daughter. People preemptively names him 2017’s Sexiest Man Alive.
Thoughts On The “Boring” Awards and Other Miscellaneous Events
Kate McKinnon comes out to present and I scream for two minutes so I have no idea what she says. Jason Bateman is also there.
The makeup artists of Suicide Squad win Oscars, making Suicide Squad an Oscar winner. We can all leave now.
Janelle Monae, Taraji P. Henson, and Octavia Spencer walk out to present Best Documentary Feature and I have a heart attack. Then, because the Oscar producers truly have no mercy for me, the real Katherine Johnson is wheeled out and I am ruined forever.
Dwayne Johnson is auditioning hard for that 2018 Oscars hosting gig as he introduces Lin-Manuel Miranda and Auli’i Cravalho for the “How Far I’ll Go” performance. (Cravalho is SIXTEEN YEARS OLD EVERYONE. We are all just kidding ourselves at this point.)
I critique Dakota Johnson’s dress and my friends malign Jamie Dornan’s facial hair while we drape ourselves over a couch shoving ice cream into our faces.
Thoughts On Viola Davis Finally Winning Her Oscar
Just incredible. Mark Rylance wasted no time in saying her name because it was so obvious. The red dress. The speech. The amazing alliteration (Davis claims emotionally that August Wilson “exhumed and exalted” real people). The eloquent power! The shot of Viola’s husband with Emma Stone awkwardly in the frame, knowing she really shouldn’t be here right now. Everything is right with the world.
Thoughts On Gary From Chicago and the Shit Show That Was the Tour Bus Bit
“This is an episode of Black Mirror” – Cameron Bell
A bunch of normal plebeians are tricked into entering the Oscars to kiss the hands of billionaires. Whose idea was this? Did the producers just think that they needed to emphasize Hollywood elitism even more? Sad!
Thoughts On The Second Half of This Never-Ending Production
Even I, a perpetual La La Land fanatic, have felt my loyalties shifting after months of backlash and think pieces. But damn it, if anything could have me enamored of that musical it would be John Legend singing a medley of “City of Stars” and “Fools Who Dream” while graceful heterosexual couples waltz around him like little white clouds.
Leslie Mann presents in a huge yellow gown, prompting Margaret Gach to ask “Is that Beyoncé’s dress from Lemonade?”
Those Mean Tweets could have been funnier, though I do agree that Miles Teller looks like the guy who would request “Gangnam Style” at a wedding.
Barry Jenkins is the quintessence of humility as he speeds through his acceptance speech for Best Adapted Screenplay to allow his co-writer Tarell Alvin McCraney equal time to deliver a rousing message of hope and resilience.
Casey Affleck wins (ugh) but he gives me some good man tears (Check out Caitlin Mannering’s Voices piece on why his win is incredibly problematic) but honestly I can’t stop looking at Brie Larson.
I’m in a hostile environment for Emma Stone’s win but I’m here for it. I pledged my allegiance to Stone ever since I first watched her sing “Pocketful of Sunshine” in the most iconic shower scene in all of cinematic history and so I am very happy for her (and her perfectly styled hair). I especially appreciate how she verbally recognizes the need to grow and learn. Self-aware AF.
Thoughts On The Only Thing Anyone Will Ever Remember From This Academy Awards
“John Travolta is literally crying tears of happiness right now because this just happened” [so now no one will remember the Adele Dazeem tragedy] – Lauren Quinn