I’m allergic to PDA, and am struggling to navigate Valentine’s Day with a partner who values it. What should I do? — EpiPen Needed
This is an interesting quandary and one that I think is taking on a different flavor in the digital age. Before social media, instances of public displays of affection (PDA) would be restricted—as the name implies—to public, in-person settings. Only a limited number of people would ever be able to see. Now, there seems to be an expectation to flaunt your relationship on social media. Especially on Valentine’s Day—a day that many couples choose to mark by posting a picture of themselves on Instagram—the tongue-in-cheek phrase “pics or it didn’t happen” can feel uncomfortably like a mandate. I can understand how it may feel like there is pressure to display your relationship on all fronts, to be consumed by eyes and groupchats alike.
Firstly, it’s important for you to get to the bottom of why you have this PDA allergy. Do you loathe being perceived? Do you find it cringe to be romantic? I get it: you can find it horrifying to be romantic yourself without finding romance itself cringe. Do you dislike PDA in all instances, or just around those who know you? Does your dislike have to do with self-confidence or self-esteem? Privacy? An aversion to physical touch? These are just a few questions to get you started on thinking this through.
Even if you dislike PDA, I’m sure you want your partner to know just how much you care about them. You also don’t want to make them feel like you’re ashamed to be seen together. If PDA is something they value, I suggest that you talk to them to try to understand why PDA (and what kind of PDA) is important to them. Maybe physical touch is their love language; maybe they appreciate outside validation of their relationship; etc., etc. This information may help you find the balance between respecting your boundaries and serving your partner’s needs.
If social media PDA is a point of contention between you and your partner, I suggest you have a specific conversation about your Valentine’s Day protocol. You wouldn’t want your partner to wake up expecting a heartfelt post, only to be disappointed due to a lack of communication. I think it’s completely fair to select certain aspects of your personal life to show on social media, and to draw a firm line against Valentine’s Day content. Posting your relationship can feel like an invasion of privacy or thrusting your romantic life into the limelight. That being said, not posting can produce a different type of commentary. Oh, so-and-so didn’t post? They must be on the rocks! I advise you to shrug off any fears tied to this kind of gossip, because really, it’s just noise. The people who matter most (your partner included) know that your relationship is significant, whether or not you post that Instagram story.
Off of social media, it is important to find a compromise on real-world PDA. As I previously said, your partner shouldn’t feel like you don’t want to be with them, or that they’re unworthy of being seen. I’m not saying you have to make out on a street corner, but a few quick touches or brief glances can make all the difference. Brushing their back, tilting your head towards their shoulder, and helping them to take off their coat are all subtle but definite ways you can display your affection. If you’re still on edge, it might help to go out on a date in a part of town where you’re unlikely to run into anyone you know. Who cares if a stranger sees you engage in PDA—you’ll never see them again!
I’d also like to argue that the term PDA is overly associated with physical touch. (Public) Affection doesn’t need to be conveyed via holding hands, kissing, etc. In fact, some of the sweetest PDA I’ve seen between couples could totally pass for platonic and has a lot to do with remembering. Something like: “I got you your favorite coffee,” or “this painting reminded me of you,” or holding the door open for them can really show your affection without being physical. Remembering is such an important part of romance—anything you do or say to make your partner feel seen is a display of affection.
So far, we’ve talked about initiating PDA, rather than receiving it. If your partner is the one more keen to initiate, and you’re uncomfortable with receiving, that’s a slightly trickier situation. If you’re uncomfortable with being touched unexpectedly, but still would like to indulge your partner, I’d suggest requesting them to verbally ask you before initiating contact. “Can I hold your hand?” delivered sweetly can be very romantic!
On another note, it’s possible you’re not allergic to PDA; you just need a bit of exposure therapy. I am not trying to invalidate you at all by saying this—it’s just an idea. I only suggest it because sometimes things can feel so awkward or uncomfortable at first that we fail to allow ourselves to adjust to the sensation. Perhaps if you start engaging in PDA more frequently, even subtly, you might find you oppose it less.
It’s going to be a process of trial-and-error when it comes to striking the balance between being discreet and showing some public-ish affection with your partner. You both have to be willing to be forthcoming about your needs and comfort levels and then take actionable steps based on those conversations. You may have to try to find ways to engage in PDA that make you feel comfortable and your partner may need to find greater validation in your non-public displays of affection. With Valentine’s Day coming up so fast, it is important that you have a space in which you both feel comfortable displaying affection. Just please don’t subject your roommate(s) to a neverending sexile!
xoxo,
Sybil
