Readers’ questions answered by your favorite opinion editors.
My friend who is literal European royalty doesn’t seem to understand that I do, in fact, have a finite bank account. He keeps inviting me to go skiing in Switzerland for a quick weekend trip and asking why I need to rush to make my flight home for break when I could just fly private. He’s a cool guy normally, but I need him to understand that I do not wipe my ass with hundred dollar bills. How do I get it through his head?
We hate to say it, but it might be Anna Delvey time. Your friend is rich enough anyway; there’s no reason not to pull a little “Oh, my sister trashed her room at the Ritz last time she stayed there so they don’t like my family, do you mind booking the suite for me?” After all, he’s the one who’s assuming you’re wealthy, so it’s not really lying so much as it’s simply not truthing, which isn’t really that bad.
I’m anxious about attending social events now that COVID-19 cases are dropping! My wardrobe isn’t up-to-date and I want it to be Vil A rooftop party ready, which is just adding to my already existing anxiety! Help!
Since Vil A rooftop party wardrobes haven’t changed since the ’70s, something tells me you’ve never actually been to one. It’s probably time to give up on an actual social life, so we suggest you check out Max Zhang’s guide on “How to grow a digital best friend.”
My best friend called me a “cheugy basic fugly bitch who slept with my brother and I hate you” for wearing the same dress as her to an IRC party. I love my friend and I don’t want to stop going to her beach house every summer with her, her parents, and her brother, but she seems really mad at me about this for some reason. All over a silly little dress!
–Has Never Done Anything Wrong In My Life, Ever
Never Done Anything Wrong,
Did you ever consider that maybe you ARE a cheugy basic fugly bitch? Anyway, that shouldn’t stop you from continuing to sleep with the brother. Plus, if the sex is good enough, you’ll become his plus one to the beach house.
Help, I’m lost.
Okay, so. Stay where you are for a second and turn as if you’re walking in the opposite direction of Healy. No, to your left a little, Lau should be behind you—yeah, that big concrete brutalist building, yes, exactly. Okay. So you see that big sorta Gothic stone building right ahead of you? Yeah, right ahead, just directly—no, that’s Copley, I said right ahead if you’re facing away from Lau, Copley’s not straight ahead it—yeah, it’s to your left. Okay, so walk towards that building and then take your first left. No, not that left, that left is up the stairs into Copley, Copley’s not the point. Yeah, the left that’s not up the stairs. What? No it doesn’t matter which way you go around the tree, you’re in a big square it’s wide open—yeah fine go around it on the left I don’t care–anyway, now you should be looking at this big brick archway thing and—hold on, what? How the HELL are you at the horribly placed Mary statue on Copley lawn. I’m done, find your way there yourself, you’re impossible. I’m hanging up.
My roommate and I have been having disagreements over the temperature. I’m not saying it needs to be the Arctic, but my roommate is keeping it fourth-floor-of-Walsh warm. Please help me find a way to talk it out; I don’t want to have to move somewhere else.
–Hot Mess (not the Instagram account)
Have you considered becoming anemic?
I make a great salary from the summer investment banking job my dad got me and should be able to pay my bills. But I am having trouble managing my spending, and my debt is growing. How was I supposed to know those $1000 nights out would add up? What can I do?
Start by making a monthly budget. Will it prevent excessive spending? No. Will it protect you from the hits put on you by the loan sharks? No. Will it help at all? Probably also no. But you need to start somewhere. And if you get really desperate, we’ve heard there’s a fantastic competition in South Korea that can get you back on your feet right away. Something about an octopus, I think?
Everyone thinks they know me, but nobody really does. Even though people act like they love me whenever I walk around campus, they still don’t know my real name. How can I build more meaningful connections with my peers?
–John F. Carroll
John, baby, you’re a player. You’ve got the freshmen climbing over themselves to sit on your lap and whisper their deepest secrets in your very problematic ear. We wouldn’t worry about building meaningful connections. After all, it’s about quantity, not quality, right? Just try to be happy being the big (I want to say about 14 foot?) man on campus.
(We were recently informed that this write-in is from the Bulldog, whose full name is John F. Carroll, not the statue. In which case we give the same advice—it’s about quantity, not quality. Who needs meaningful connections when you’re a skateboarding social media star?)
My roommate is largely nocturnal, writes ciphers in his free time, and has a growing collection of human teeth. He also won’t let me look inside our refrigerator even though it smells like formaldehyde. I brought a girl over last week and she left as soon as she took a whiff. He’s ruining my sex life. What do I do?
–Brad (recently demoted from Chad)
First of all, we want to affirm that you’re absolutely right to be worried about your sex life and nothing else in light of this behavior. There are no other possible problems with your roommate except for that one, so, way to prioritize.
Second, it sounds like your best bet is to just try to make hookups happen elsewhere, just not at yours. Sure, not every girl’s gonna want to take you to hers, and of course it’s nicer to keep your condoms in a drawer than in your pocket, but if your roommate won’t change his (totally valid) lifestyle habits, it might be your best bet. Not to mention, the HFSC music rooms are finally open, yeah? Sing on, sailor!
My friend has been long-enamored with D.C.’s rat population. She has created some sort of rat mafia ring in Georgetown’s underground tunnels. Apparently there are casinos run by rat bookies? And house rats that are “beefed up on steroids?” How can I encourage her to develop a healthier hobby?
The only way out is through, as they say. It sounds like a good first step would be to gamble with the rats yourself to really understand your friend’s investment in this business; think of it as an exercise in empathy. Maybe then you can point her towards more virtuous pursuits, like dog fighting or book burning.
My roommate recently got permission to have an emotional support animal in our dorm. Although I was initially excited, I discovered that rather than being a cat or a dog, it was an ancient many-eyed Lovecraftian atrocity he keeps under his bed. And apparently it’s also capable of bringing about an apocalypse the likes of which no human mind can comprehend, so that’s something I have to keep in mind now. I don’t want to seem disrespectful of my roommate’s anxiety, but this feels like crossing a boundary, if not many. How do I talk about this with him?
I understand why you’d feel uncomfortable in your situation, but perhaps you should have asked follow up questions. Your roommate might have good reasons for wanting to avoid the standard furry friend—one of my housemates for next year, for example, is allergic to cats, so we all decided we’d adopt an Unthinkable Ancient Evil Born Of Woman’s Flesh In The Form of Man But Somehow Other, For There Is No Soul, No Human Understanding, Behind His Strange And Fishlike Eyes as a group instead. Just accept the situation and make the best of it. Even with the pet living with you, there will be those moments when it has slipped through the nearly imperceptible cracks in the walls that can only be seen out of the corner of one’s eyes for they exist on a plane all but divorced from our own in order to feed, so you’ll still get your pet-free alone time. And who knows, it may still like cuddles!
I sit next to that person from the GroupMe. Yes, that person. In a three hour seminar, no breaks. HELP.
Obviously your only choice is to take that person’s laptop and smash it over that useless little table attached to the ICC Auditorium seats. It’s your moral duty. They’re way too small to serve as actual desks, so I can only assume this is the purpose they were built for, and you wouldn’t want the resources spent installing them to go to waste, would you? Of course not. You know what you have to do.